Have Some Trump Laughs On Us!
An Airplane About To Crash
An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.
The first passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'
The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest president took my schoolbag...'
More Trump Humor For You
Trump was taking a stroll through downtown DC.
Trump was taking a stroll through downtown DC.
He passed this little shop. The owner kept a parrot in a cage close to the door, which was open to let in some air.
As Trump is passing the parrot says: impeach Trump!
Trump is furious, but he ignores it this time.
The next time he takes a walk, he goes by the same shop. The parrot says: impeach Trump!
Trump storms into the store and threatens the shop owner, telling him that if he doesn’t shut that bird up he’ll never sell anything again in DC.
The store owner has a friend who is a quietist monk, who also has a parrot.
They agree to swap parrots, so the next time Trump goes walking by he notices the parrot, but it stays quiet.
Trump walks by another day, and still silence.
Trump walks up to the parrot’s cage and whispers to it: impeach Trump.
The parrot stays quiet.
“Impeach Trump,” Trump says a little louder.
The parrot remains quiet and calm.
Trump yells at it: impeach Trump!
The parrot replies: may the Lord answer your prayers my son.
Baron Shtupp Von Trump
In order to understand the origins of Donald Trump's psychological mindset, that of a boastful, self-serving, overbearing hector, one has chop deep into his family tree, going back hundreds of years, and examine how his ancestors behaved.
This bit of history is one such example.
Way back in his Germanic ancestry there was a great swordsman, Baron Shtupp Von Trump, or so he claimed.
At a conclave of the greatest swashbucklers in Europe at the famous Tavern on the Green in Sherwood Forest, three of these swordsmen were having a round of mead and telling tales of their exploits throughout the land.
The discussion turned to who was the best of the three.
The great Italian swordsman, Fiore Furlano Sworducci, known around the world over for his daring, single handed defense of the Lazio olive fields from Ninja invaders, boasts: "Itsa crazy bunch of flies in here. I can easily swat one of them witha the tip of my spada and send it splat to the wall.
So the other two said, go ahead, show us.
Sworducci waits for one to pass overhead, and with a lightning fast swath, shoots it like a tiny bullet across the room, slamming into the wall.
The great French swordsman, Sir Lanceafew, says, I am not imprrrressed. I will serve you ze little beast en brochette. And he proceeds to skewer a poor, hapless little fly on the tip of his rapier.
Von Trump says, "you are all amateurs. My skills are far beyond anything you can begin to imagine. Huge. What I am about to do you will never even come close."
So Von Trump waits for a fly to pass overhead, and in a blinding fast motion, his magnificent solid gold sword with a diamond and ruby encrusted handle cuts the air and the fly... keeps flying.
The other two look at him, say, "You missed! You are a fraud. A braggart. Imbroglione! Imposteur!
"No, gentlemen”, Von Trump replies. “You are bigly mistaken. What I did was truly remarkable. That fly will never have children."
Bush, OBama and Trump Meet God At Pearly Gate
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
Trump Funny Cartoons
Jokes Made For Adults Only
Asian Lady At The Bank
Old Man Takes Grandson Fishing
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Old Man Takes Grandson Fishing
Old Man Takes Grandson Fishing
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar.
The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
The old man asks, "Son, can your penis touch your asshole?"
The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar."
Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
The old man asks, "Son, can your penis touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?"
The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your penis touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can."
The boy says, "Well good, then go frack yourself, these are my chips."
Four Gay Gay Guys Sitting In Jacuzzi
Adam and Eve Wondering Whether They Are Black or White
Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating.
One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"
Adam and Eve Wondering Whether They Are Black or White
Adam and Eve Wondering Whether They Are Black or White
Adam and Eve are wondering wether they are black or white.
Eve says why dont you go and ask god.
So Adam goes into the garden of eden and shouts out to god are we black or white?
A big booming voice bellows out YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE.
He immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white.
How do you know asks Eve?
Because he said you are what you are Adam replied.
Why does that mean we are white? asked Eve.
Because if we were black he would have said You is what you is.
A Limbless Man Sat On The Side Of A Lake Everyday
A Limbless Man Sat On The Side Of A Lake Everyday
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or no legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time.
The man said, "I've never been screwed."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are screwed!"
Homeless Drunk Man
A Limbless Man Sat On The Side Of A Lake Everyday
There was this homeless drunk dude laying in an alley talking out loud saying, "I wish had another drink." He then passed out.
As he was saying that, a gay dude was walking by and heard him. When the gay guy came back, he raped the homeless guy and put three dollars in his pocket.
The homeless dude woke up later and found the money, ran to the liquor store, and said, "Give me the cheapest half of pint you have," and went back to his spot, drunk it and passed out again.
The gay dude came back, raped the homeless dude again, and left five dollars. He ran back to the liquor store and said, "Give me the cheapest pint you have," and went back to his spot.
The gay dude came back again. Once he saw the homeless man passed out, he raped him again and left eight dollars.
The homeless dude woke up and realized he had some more money. He ran back to the liquor store, and before he could say a word, the owner said, "I know, you want the cheapest pint you can get," and the homeless dude said,
"No, give me the most expensive half you got. That cheap liquor is tearing my ass up."
Some More Humor For You
Two Men Drinking Beer At The Bar
Two Men Drinking Beer At The Bar
Two Men Drinking Beer At The Bar
Two men are knocking back beers in a bar on the ninetieth floor of the Empire State building.
“You know, there’s a slipstream around the seventieth floor,” says one, opening a window, “and if you jump out here, it’ll suck you back in at the fiftieth floor.”
“Ah, c’mon,” says the second, more than a little drunk.
“No, really” says the first. “I’ll show you.”
So he jumps out the window, comes in through a fiftieth-floor window, takes the elevator up, and appears triumphantly back in the bar.
“Hey, I’m going to try that,” says the second guy. He jumps out the window, falls ninety floors, and is killed instantly.
“Hey,” says the bartender, looking hard at the first man, “you can be a real bastard when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Baby Seal Goes Into a Bar
Two Men Drinking Beer At The Bar
Two Men Drinking Beer At The Bar
A baby seal goes into a bar.
The bartender, says: What can I get you to drink, little fellow?”
The seal says, “Oh, anything: Just as long as it’s not a Canadian Club!”
90 Year Old Man Birthday Present
For his 90th birthday a man’s friends decided to give him a visit from an expensive, high-class call girl.
The evening of his birthday, she appeared at his door, and when he opened the door she said, “Happy Birthday!
Your friends have sent you a gift! I’m here to bring you super sex.
So what will it be?”
The man thought for a moment, and then he said, “Sweetie, at my age, I think I’ll have the soup.”
Bear Hunting
Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.”
Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Bob, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”
Some Funny Cartoons
Jokes For You
Our Jokes Page Has Some New Material
We have a new section of jokes dedicated to the King himself, Mr. Donald Trump. At no time are the jokes intended to attack anyone or thing. With all the trauma and chaos in our world to today, a good laugh is what the doctor orders sometime.
— “I've been indicted more times than Alphonse Capone,” Donald Trump ...
— How can you tell that Donald Trump is lying? Answer: Watch his lips move.
God: "Biden, in a fair election." Trumper: "The Deep State conspiracy goes even higher than I thought.".
Donald Trump visits Wales
Donald Trump visits Wales. His car breaks down, and being thirsty he goes to a stream for a drink of water. A man shouts in Welsh, “Don't drink the water, the sheep piss in it”. Donald says “Speak English when you’re in England”. The man shouts back, “Use both hands, you'll get more water”.
Trump visits Israel for Mideast Summit
President Trump is in Israel for a Mideast Summit. He takes ill and dies.
The local Officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.
The aides confer and tell the Official that they will take the body home.
The Official asks why they would do that rather than accept the immense gift of burial in the Holy Land.
The aides reply; “ A long time ago someone was buried here and arose 3 days later. We can’t take that chance.”
Three Wishes
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is walking on the beach, finds a bottle, opens it, and a genie comes out.
He says, “I’m going to give you three wishes for letting me out of the bottle, but there’s a catch. Whatever you wish for, Donald Trump gets, doubled.”
She hesitates, but agrees, “Fine. For my first wish, I’d like a Lear jet.”
The genie says, “If you get a Lear jet, Trump gets two. Are you sure that’s what you want?”
She says, “Yes. That’s my wish.”
“Okay, you’ve got it,” the genie says, “what about wish number two?”
“I wish for $10 million,” she says, “I think I could do a lot of good with that.”
“It’s your business what you do with it,” the genie says, “but if you get $10 million, Trump gets $20 million.”
“Yeah, that’s okay, I still want it,” she responds.
“You’ve got it,” the genie says, “Now what’s your third and last wish?”
“I wish to donate a kidney.”
An Airplane Is About To Crash
An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.
The first passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'
The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest president took my schoolbag...'
More Political Cartoons
